Hi I’m Claire
At age 38, my life was a mess. I was in a job that I couldn’t stand, my marriage falling apart, my confidence was at an all-time low and I was hitting the bottle hard. All this was hidden by my mask, the mask which is also known as the words ‘I’m fine’ said with a big smile and then a change of subject to move the focus onto someone or something else.
I struggled to get out of bed, most mornings, the alarm clock would ring. I’d get up and deal with it, but anxiety and the dreaded ‘doom’ feeling kicked in and would stay with me until the end of each day. Regardless of my low energy and negative thoughts and feelings I’d get up, put my mask and armour on to protect me for fighting through the day, feeling numb in my heart, yet feeling like a robot with constant noisy chatter jolting around in my head, getting read to mobilise myself, to get through the same, rushed daily routine. I was living in survival mode. I was in a constant state of ‘doing’ ‘rushing’…. rushing to do the school drop off, rushing to work, rushing to meet deadlines, rushing to meetings, rushing my food or should I even say ramming my food into my mouth… just rammed it right on in there, without even a thought of chewing it or even enjoying it (I didn’t give myself the time to) and later on each day suffering with indigestion – due to a full on sandwich blocking my oesophagus, back on to rushing through the day to be able to rush out of work, rush to get home, to rush and make dinner, do the usual house work, quickly eat dinner to then go and sit on the couch, to watch mind numbing tv, then rush the kids through their bed routine before dropping myself into bed on my own, ready to start it all again the following day. Yay!!!
At the time I didn’t realise what was happening to me, it was just life, my life and I sort of just, let myself fall into it. I wasn’t conscious anymore…